You can never find a three dollar bill when you need one

Many Americans dislike their government for all sorts of reasons - some sensible, some not. But I suspect that one of the more pervasive bones of contention involves excessive or entirely unwarranted fees for the most basic of services.

I’m not talking about taxes, per se, nor do I refer to such sensible practices as charging admission to state parks to raise much-needed funds for their maintenance and upkeep. I’m talking about random, senseless, insulting fees that obviously serve no more purpose than to soak the public. These are what I call stick-em-up fees.

The other day I opened the glove box of our Prius, where we keep the car’s registration, to replace an old proof-of-insurance card with a new one. That’s when I discovered that a small spray bottle of Febreze had leaked all over everything in the glove box, including the registration, which was saturated and illegible.

Drying did no good; the ink had spread across the paper. So I headed down to city hall here in Augusta, Maine, to get a replacement.

The pleasant clerk told me it would cost three bucks for a new copy of the registration. I quickly abandoned the idea of making a fuss because I knew it would do no good. This woman doesn’t make the rules, after all, and I would just end up wasting time and energy delaying the inevitable.

So I coughed up $3.00 for a piece of paper that’s about four inches by six inches in size. Obviously, printing out that registration did not cost $3.00 in ink, paper or wear and tear on a computer keyboard. Nor did it cost any overtime, because the clerk was on duty during regular business hours. Nor, for that matter, did it take her away from other responsibilities, because the entire transaction took about 90 seconds. Maybe less. There was no one waiting for service behind me, either, so I didn’t hold anyone else up.

Now, if thousands of people are pouring into government buildings all over Maine on a daily basis demanding new copies of their car and truck registrations because of Febreze bottles with loose caps, the costs will add up. So, too, if government agencies across the land are gearing up for an imminent zombie apocalypse, that will become expensive. But both eventualities are equally unlikely, yet I’m out three bucks for no good reason. And I’m not even a zombie.