The last reader comments you'll ever read

Once upon a time, back when the Internet was young, newspapers came to the amazingly naive conclusion that allowing readers to comment on news stories online would encourage an elevated discussion of issues and strengthen our democracy through the respectful exchange of thoughtful views. Instead, as we all know, they created a wallow-in-the-mud forum that makes the Jerry Springer Show look like a remake of The Waltons.

The good news is that most reader comments fall into several well-established categories, so you can quickly get a handle on the genre after a day or two, eliminating the temptation to read any additional comments. Ever. Here are a few (fanciful but almost real) examples of the most popular themes: crude name calling, abusive behavior, pseudo intellectualism, treating fiction as fact, blind partisanship, unfounded assumptions, and chronic displays of illiteracy.

"Did you read the news story before you commented on it? It said the robber was disguised as the Easter Bunny, not as Santa Claus, you brain-dead idiot."

"Hey, bozo, use spell check!"

"That traffic accident on Elm Street wouldn’t have happened if John McCain had been elected president. Nobama (aka Obummer) and the Dumocrats have ruined this country with their liberal, socialist, pinko, radical agenda. I can't wait for (insert GOP savior of your choice here) to whip his ass in November." 

(Comment removed by administrator.) 

"Obama’s still trying to clean up the mess Dubya left behind during his eight years as the worst president in the history of the entire known universe. (Insert GOP demon of your choice here) is the worst excuse for a presidential candidate I've ever seen. What an ass."

"So a former governor got caught using tax dollars to run an international prostitution ring that also dabbled in white slavery. Who cares? We all make mistakes. Must have been a slow news day if the editor thought this was worth reporting."

"To follow up on my previous 4,386 posts, the Austrian School of economics makes it quite clear that mainstream economic theories cannot be trusted and that the only reliable approach is praxeology." (Post continues along these lines for an additional 45 paragraphs.)

"You sound like you’re on the dole. Get a job, you bum."

"Are you playing on the office computer again instead of doing your job? I’ll bet you work for the government."

"I WRITE ALL OF MY POSTS IN CAPS BECAUSE I’M SO DELUSIONAL I BELIEVE THAT WILL FORCE PEOPLE TO AGREE WITH WHATEVER I HAVE TO SAY." 

(Comment removed by administrator.) 

"This liberal rag wouldn’t be going broke if it reported real news fairly, like Fox News does, instead of pushing a liberal, socialist, pinko, radical agenda."

"Why do you assume the guy in the article is a convicted hamster killer who served time in the Philippines for starting a cult devoted to eating mud? None of that was mentioned in the article. You’re jumping to some pretty broad conclusions."

"Throw the bums out! All of them! Right now! Today!"

"Peepel shoudent dump on what i rite here just becuz I’m ilitarit."

(Comment removed by administrator.) 

"Check out these web sites and you’ll see that what I’m saying is absolutely true!" (Post includes links to dozens of sites operated by deranged individuals who clearly pose a threat to themselves and others.)

"I don't see any difference between organized crime and organized government, because they're both extortion rackets that rely on threats and violence to get their way." (Post quickly devolves into an incomprehensible libertarian rant.)

"I’d like to see someone try to break into my house like those scumbags did to that guy in the article, because I’d blast them with my trusty shotgun. Good gun control is hitting your target." (Written by a milquetoast who’s never held a gun in his life.) 

(Comment removed by administrator.)