The joys of dog ownership: winter edition

Twenty-four step protocol for taking two dogs out at 5 a.m. when the thermometer reads 11 degrees below zero:

1. Don zippered fleece vest over sweatshirt and jeans; 
2. Dig wool scarf out of closet;
3. Don heavy parka;
4. Don handmade ski cap (or “tuque,” as we say in French) that has such a long tail it makes me look like an aging Smurf;
5. Retrieve Dog No. 1 from bedroom;
6. Place slip-on collar over dog’s head, because harness cannot be used with dog coat;
7. Pull end of collar through amazingly tiny opening on back of dog coat;
8. Fasten dog coat on Dog No. 1;
9. Attach collar to leash;
10. Don (human) gloves;
11. Take Dog No. 1 outside;
12. Try to breathe, but not too much;
13. Plead with Dog No. 1 to display a bit more efficiency than usual;
14. Pick up Dog No. 1’s display of efficiency;
15. Return to house;
16. Remove gloves;
17. Remove dog jacket and collar from Dog. No. 1;
18. Retrieve Dog No. 2 from bedroom;
19. Repeat steps 6 through 13 (substituting Dog. No. 2 for Dog No. 1);
20. Quickly yank Dog No. 2 to side of road when insane driver careens onto ice-covered, seldom-used side street where we are standing;
21. Repeat steps 14 through 17 (again substituting Dog No. 2 for Dog No. 1);
22. Remove tuque, scarf and parka;
23. Try to regain normal breathing pattern; 
24. Research prospects for toilet training dogs.