"And this is good old Boston, the home of the bean and the cod . . . ."

Al and Judy, two very good friends from my home state of Massachusetts, recently sent me a long list of facts, idioms and customs that purport to be unique to the Bay State. As someone who has lived in four of the six New England states, I was struck by the fact that some things on the list are common to New England as a whole. The Red Sox, for example, are as beloved elsewhere in New England as they are in Massachusetts. (Except for Connecticut, which is too close to Yankee Stadium, the seat of the Evil Empire, to know right from wrong.)

But many items on the list are, in fact, true "Massachusetts-isms" that will be baffling (or at least entertaining) to people who do not have Massachusetts ties. Here, then, is an abbreviated version of the list, which claims that you're from Massachusetts if . . .

• The Red Sox World Series win in 2004 always will be one of the greatest moments in your life. 
• The guy driving in front of you is going 70 mph and you're swearing at him for going too slow.
• When ordering a tonic, you mean a Coke.
• You went to Canobie Lake Park, Whalom Park or Paragon Park as a kid.
• You actually enjoy driving around rotaries.
• You do not recognize the letter “R” as a part of the English language.
• Your social security number starts with a zero.
• You can find your way around the streets of Boston.
• You know what a “regular” coffee is.                     
• You keep an ice scraper in your car year-round.
• Springfield is located “way out west.”
• You're disappointed if a driver doesn't flip you the bird when you cut him off or steal his parking space.
• You can pronounce Billerica, Gloucester,  Haverhill, Leominster,  Peabody and Worcester.
• Anyone you don't know is a potential idiot until proven otherwise.
• Paranoia sets in if, while driving, you can't see a Dunkin' Donuts or CVS Pharmacy at all times.
• You have driven to New Hampshire on a Sunday just to buy alcohol.
• You know how to pronounce Yastrzemski.
• You know what they sell at a packie.  
• Sorry Manny, but number 24 means Dewey Evans.
• McLobster = McCrap
• You know there are six New England states, but that Connecticut really doesn't count.
• You give incomprehensible directions to tourists, feel bad, then say to yourself: “Screw them.”
• You know holding onto the railing when riding the Green Line is not optional.
• You remember Jordan Marsh, Filene's, Grants, Bradlees, Caldor, Zayres, and Ann & Hope.
• The numbers '78 and '86 make you cringe.
• You think the rest of the country owes you for Thanksgiving and Independence Day.
• You have never actually been to “Cheers.”
• The words “wicked” and “good” go together.
• You own a “Yankees Suck” shirt or hat.
• You know what a frappe is.
• You know who Frank Avruch is.
• You actually know how to merge from six lanes of traffic down to one.
• The TV weatherman is damn good if he's right 25% of the time.
• You never go to Cape Cod, you go “down the Cape.”
• You think that Roger Clemens and Johnny Damon are more evil than Whitey Bulger.
• You know who Whitey Bulger is.
• You went to the swan boats, the House of the Seven Gables or Plimouth Plantation on a field trip in elementary school.
• Bobby Orr is loved as much as Larry Bird, Tom Brady, and Ted Williams.
• You remember Major Mudd.
• You know what candlepin bowling is.
• You know Scollay Square in Boston once stood where Government Center is now.
• When you were a kid, Rex Trailer was the coolest guy around.
• You know that the Mass Pike is some sort of strange weather dividing line.
• The Big Dig tunnel disaster wasn't a surprise.
• You call guys you've just met “chief” or “boss.”
• You've never eaten at Durgin Park, but recommend it to tourists.
• You know that P-Town isn't the name of a new rap group.
• People you don't like are all “bastids.”
• You took off school or work for the Patriots first Super Bowl parade.
• You've called something “wicked pissa.”
• Saturday afternoons meant Creature Double Feature with Dale Dorman.
• Sunday mornings meant the Three Stooges on Channel 38. 
• You've slammed on your brakes to deter a tailgater.
• No, you don't trust the Gorton's Fisherman.
• You think Aerosmith is the greatest rock band of all time.
• Your town has at least six pizza and roast beef shops.
• You were very sad when saying goodbye to the Boston Garden.
• Thanksgiving means family, turkey, high-school football and the long version of Alice's Restaurant.
• You know the guy who founded the Boston Pops was named Athah Feedlah.
• You know what the Combat Zone is - or was.
• You actually drive 45 minutes to New Hampshire to save $5 in sales tax.
• You've bragged about the money you've saved at the Christmas Tree Shop.

It’s a good list, but there’s at least one glaring omission. If you’re from Massachusetts, you know what a grinder is. Try ordering one at a sandwich shop here in Maine if you’re feeling impish, because no one will have a clue what you’re talking about. (Mainers call sub sandwiches “Italians." And that's pronounced eye-talians. Go figure.)