Maybe Massachusetts deserves a new motto and coat of arms

By American standards, my home state of Massachusetts is old. Very old. The Pilgrims arrived in 1620. Boston was settled 10 years later. In one form or another, the Bay State has been around for quite a while.

As with anything ancient, whether it’s a refrigerator or a car or a torn pair of jeans, sometimes things need to be updated, or even replaced. So it is with the Massachusetts motto and state seal, which should reflect the  average Bay Stater's self-absorption and deep-seated hatred for his fellow travelers.

I have not lived in Massachusetts for more than 30 years, so hitting the road there always is a rude awakening for me. Last weekend was no exception. Several thoughts raced through my mind during my dance with death as cars careened across highway lanes and tailgated with impunity. Such as:

• Life is short; 
• I do not have a will; 
• I really would like to see Paris before I die; 
• To think that an entire state could suffer from road rage; 
• These people must be VIPs if they have to wave their arms while chatting on the phone at 80 mph.

The Latin motto of Massachusetts translates as: “By the sword we seek peace, but peace only under liberty.” If you've been foolish enough to slide behind the wheel in Massachusetts, you know this motto is seriously outdated. It should be tweaked a bit, to better reflect the times.

Here's my suggestion: “By texting while driving we seek peace, but peace without turn signals.” 

Similarly, the coat of arms of Massachusetts needs a facelift. Well, more like a complete makeover, actually. I’d replace the Indian with a demented motorist, his face contorted in anger. And I’d change the legal description of the coat of arms, as spelled out in state law, to something more contemporary. Here's what the law says now:

The coat of arms of the commonwealth shall consist of a blue shield with an Indian thereon, dressed in a shirt, leggings, and moccasins, holding in his right hand a bow, and in his left hand an arrow, point downward, all of gold; and, in the upper right-hand corner of the field a silver star of five points. The crest shall be, on a wreath of gold and blue, a right arm, bent at the elbow, clothed and ruffled, and grasping a broad-sword, all of gold. The motto ""Ense petit placidam sub libertate quietem'' shall appear in gold on a blue ribbon.

Appropriate for its time, I suppose, but not what Massachusetts needs in the 21st century. This would work much better:

The coat of arms of the commonwealth shall consist of a blood-red shield with an angry motorist thereon, dressed in a Red Sox jersey, jeans, and running shoes, holding in his right hand a can of Bud, and in his left hand a middle finger, point upward, all of gold; and, in the upper right-hand corner of the field a crumpled red stop sign of eight sides. The crest shall be, on a wreath of green and white, a right arm, bent at the elbow, bare and bruised, and grasping a Jaws of Life, all of gold. The motto “By texting while driving we seek peace, but peace without turn signals” shall appear in gold on a suspended driver's license.

While we're at it, maybe we should turn our attention to Rhode Island. Its drivers are almost as homicidal as those in Massachusetts. We could start with the state's motto, which is "Hope." I think "Hope I get home alive" has a better ring to it, but that would take up more space, so the coat of arms would have to be redesigned. A busybody's work is never done.