The scoop on dog smarts: a chocolate lab and a pit bull mix tell all

Psychologist and dog researcher Stanley Coren, in a lecture at the convention of the American Psychological Association, gave an interesting primer on how dogs think. 

Miller-McCune magazine reports that, according to Coren’s research, dogs are as smart as two-year-old children, they understand more than 150 words (up to 250 in some cases) and they can count up to four or five.

At the same time, the magazine reported, pooches are deceptive, and trick people into giving them what they want. In fact, the magazine quotes Coren as saying that dogs "are nearly as successful in deceiving humans as humans are in deceiving dogs.”

By studying data from over 200 dog-obedience judges in the United States and Canada, Coren compiled a list of what he says are the smartest breeds. Those who made the cut: border collies, poodles, German shepherds, golden retrievers, dobermans, Shetland sheepdogs and Labrador retrievers.

I ran all this by our two dogs, chocolate lab Aquinnah and pit bull/lab mix Martha, to get some expert reaction. I can't be sure I got their answers exactly right, but I did my best. Dog is an oral language and the all-important variations in barks, yips, yaps, howls, yowls, growls and whimpers may be too subtle for the human ear, which probably explains why dogs are always complaining that humans never buy the right biscuits.

Anyway, near as I can tell, both Quinn and Martha resented the frequent comparison of canine intelligence to that of a two year old kid. Quinn said they’re at least up there with five year olds and, from what he's seen on his walks through the neighborhood, obviously smarter than many adult drivers.

Quinn and Martha took a pass on that “dogs are deceptive” claim, but they didn’t deny it and they did look a bit shifty-eyed, so I took that as confirmation.

Quinn, of course, said it was to be expected that labs would make any “smartest dogs” listing. For her part, Martha was very put out that pit bulls failed to earn a berth; she mumbled something about pitties being stereotyped as all brawn and no brains.

Martha was especially upset that golden retrievers made the list. She claims they’re really the dummies of the dog world and they use their good looks to seduce humans into giving credit where none is due. That sounded a bit over the top to me, but pit bulls do have strong opinions on everything, probably because they listen to a lot of talk radio.

I tried to poll our four cats on these findings, to get a more well-rounded perspective. But coon cat Teddy, the self-appointed spokesman for the group (they couldn’t agree on who should speak for them after debating it for six hours straight), said the very concept of canine intelligence is too laughable for any feline to take seriously.

Teddy then stormed off in a rather dramatic huff, his bushy tail held high and his whiskers all akimbo. I think it was done for effect, but you can’t be sure with cats. They're so easily offended.