It’s becoming increasingly apparent to me that I am a dinosaur, a fact that I only became aware of in recent years. Which is unfortunate, because I fear that my time here is limited, and that soon I will disappear from this planet. Until then, though, I continue to walk the earth as I tally up mounting evidence of my imminent demise.
I find many facts of life beyond my comprehension, possibly due to my underdeveloped brain. Here are several examples. All of them seem to be growing in popularity among Homo sapiens, further isolating the reptiles like me who still live among you, disguised as humans.
* Spelling, grammar, syntax and punctuation, which once were highly valued by humans, are now of no consequence whatsoever, at least online. Even the web sites of mainstream news organizations routinely post information containing typographical errors.
* Every utterance by every pseudo celebrity supposedly “breaks the Internet,” yet by some miracle, the damn thing still works. We reptiles are not big fans of hyperbole.
* Countless Facebook users insist on posting mystery photos without captions, leaving the rest of us wondering who (or what) we’re looking at.
* Pajama pants. In public. Enough said.
* Eating food in the supermarket before paying for it. Ditto.
* Conspicuous tattoos, especially on the back of the neck.
* Leggings. A fashion faux pas of epic proportions, unless covered by a pair of shorts or a long top. Otherwise, a mistake. And in some cases, a very big mistake, if you get my drift. Just. Stop. Please.
* The man bun. Ridiculous is a gross understatement.
* Google says it's called the "cold shoulder top" for women. It should be called the "feral cat top," because it looks like a wild cat attacked the wearer's clothing and tore a hole at each shoulder.
* Female pop stars apparently believe a key to their continued professional success is performing in a state of undress as close to nudity as allowed by law. A substitute for talent, perhaps?
* Shirtless men on city streets. Nothing good will come of this.
* Store clerks ignore in-store, cash-in-hand customers so they can take phone calls from random people who are merely making inquiries about stuff they may never buy. Isn’t a customer in the hand worth two on the phone?
* Humongous reclining seats in movie theaters. A solution in search of a problem?
* Donald Trump’s White House minions (John Kelly exempted). Sad.
* Donald Trump. Sadder.
* The fact that at least a third of the American people seem determined to stand by Donald Trump no matter what. Saddest.
Farewell, earth. Perhaps my fossilized remains will catch the fancy of earthlings in some future geologic age. I just hope they aren’t wearing pajamas when they discover me.
I find many facts of life beyond my comprehension, possibly due to my underdeveloped brain. Here are several examples. All of them seem to be growing in popularity among Homo sapiens, further isolating the reptiles like me who still live among you, disguised as humans.
* Spelling, grammar, syntax and punctuation, which once were highly valued by humans, are now of no consequence whatsoever, at least online. Even the web sites of mainstream news organizations routinely post information containing typographical errors.
* Every utterance by every pseudo celebrity supposedly “breaks the Internet,” yet by some miracle, the damn thing still works. We reptiles are not big fans of hyperbole.
* Countless Facebook users insist on posting mystery photos without captions, leaving the rest of us wondering who (or what) we’re looking at.
* Pajama pants. In public. Enough said.
* Eating food in the supermarket before paying for it. Ditto.
* Conspicuous tattoos, especially on the back of the neck.
* Leggings. A fashion faux pas of epic proportions, unless covered by a pair of shorts or a long top. Otherwise, a mistake. And in some cases, a very big mistake, if you get my drift. Just. Stop. Please.
* The man bun. Ridiculous is a gross understatement.
* Google says it's called the "cold shoulder top" for women. It should be called the "feral cat top," because it looks like a wild cat attacked the wearer's clothing and tore a hole at each shoulder.
* Female pop stars apparently believe a key to their continued professional success is performing in a state of undress as close to nudity as allowed by law. A substitute for talent, perhaps?
* Shirtless men on city streets. Nothing good will come of this.
* Store clerks ignore in-store, cash-in-hand customers so they can take phone calls from random people who are merely making inquiries about stuff they may never buy. Isn’t a customer in the hand worth two on the phone?
* Humongous reclining seats in movie theaters. A solution in search of a problem?
* Donald Trump’s White House minions (John Kelly exempted). Sad.
* Donald Trump. Sadder.
* The fact that at least a third of the American people seem determined to stand by Donald Trump no matter what. Saddest.
Farewell, earth. Perhaps my fossilized remains will catch the fancy of earthlings in some future geologic age. I just hope they aren’t wearing pajamas when they discover me.
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