Welcome to Apocalypse Center. Or whatever frightening name your not-so-favorite local TV newshounds have come up with to describe their habit of telling you everything you don't need to know about winter weather.
There are certain staples to these cash cows, which allow TV stations to hike their ad rates because there are so many eyeballs glued to the screen. The talking heads at the anchor desk are decked out in sweaters, for example. The meteorologists are so hyped up they seem to be on the verge of hyperventilating, whether the forecast calls for three inches of snow or three feet. And let's not forget the scary theme music, which conjures up images of gloom and doom.
All such "news" reports are entirely predictable, except for the ostensible focus on accurately forecasting the weather. Which, ironically, meteorologists are not very good at doing. To save you the pain of sitting through these endless displays of foolishness, here’s a handy summary of everything that will (or should) be covered in an entire season’s worth of reports from your local station’s End Times Center.
Can you believe this? It's snowing! In Maine! In the winter! We're going to get a little bit of snow. Or more than a little bit. Or enough to end life as we know it. The snow will be light and fluffy. Or it will be wet and heavy. There may be freezing rain. And sleet. And hail. And random small animals falling from the heavens. Or maybe not.
The snow will end soon. Or in a few hours. Or not in your lifetime. Winds will be mild. Or moderate. Or strong enough to blow the roof off your house. We’d hate to see you lose your roof, of course, but talk about great visuals!
Speaking of great visuals, look at this bank of computers and monitors at the weather desk here at Abandon All Hope Center. With all of this technology, I must be really, really good at predicting stuff, right? Look at what we can do with graphics these days! All these colorful lines and swirls and other confusing stuff. Feel free to turn away from the screen if you have vertigo.
So here are a few tips, because we assume you’ve got the common sense of a dead flea and couldn’t possibly figure this out for yourself. Plus, we have to fill all of this air time with something.
Do not go out in this blizzard wearing a T-shirt, shorts and flip-flops! Wear layers of clothing. We can't say this often enough, so we'll keep saying it over and over and over again. Once you are out there, be careful not to fall and break your coccyx! If you’re morbidly obese or over 90 years old, hire some kid to shovel your driveway for you! Stay home if you can, but if you positively, absolutely have to make a Dunkin' Donuts run, give yourself plenty of time to get there!
Okay, now stay tuned for live reports from hapless reporters trying to make snowballs at assorted intersections. And remember, whatever you do, don't rely on your own senses to tell you what's going on outside. Or settle for concise online weather forecasts that tell you everything you need to know in less than 60 seconds. I mean, that would be very bad for our bottom line here at Eyewitness Action Live News Now. And we wouldn’t want our budget for sweaters to fall into the red.
There are certain staples to these cash cows, which allow TV stations to hike their ad rates because there are so many eyeballs glued to the screen. The talking heads at the anchor desk are decked out in sweaters, for example. The meteorologists are so hyped up they seem to be on the verge of hyperventilating, whether the forecast calls for three inches of snow or three feet. And let's not forget the scary theme music, which conjures up images of gloom and doom.
All such "news" reports are entirely predictable, except for the ostensible focus on accurately forecasting the weather. Which, ironically, meteorologists are not very good at doing. To save you the pain of sitting through these endless displays of foolishness, here’s a handy summary of everything that will (or should) be covered in an entire season’s worth of reports from your local station’s End Times Center.
___________
Can you believe this? It's snowing! In Maine! In the winter! We're going to get a little bit of snow. Or more than a little bit. Or enough to end life as we know it. The snow will be light and fluffy. Or it will be wet and heavy. There may be freezing rain. And sleet. And hail. And random small animals falling from the heavens. Or maybe not.
The snow will end soon. Or in a few hours. Or not in your lifetime. Winds will be mild. Or moderate. Or strong enough to blow the roof off your house. We’d hate to see you lose your roof, of course, but talk about great visuals!
Speaking of great visuals, look at this bank of computers and monitors at the weather desk here at Abandon All Hope Center. With all of this technology, I must be really, really good at predicting stuff, right? Look at what we can do with graphics these days! All these colorful lines and swirls and other confusing stuff. Feel free to turn away from the screen if you have vertigo.
So here are a few tips, because we assume you’ve got the common sense of a dead flea and couldn’t possibly figure this out for yourself. Plus, we have to fill all of this air time with something.
Do not go out in this blizzard wearing a T-shirt, shorts and flip-flops! Wear layers of clothing. We can't say this often enough, so we'll keep saying it over and over and over again. Once you are out there, be careful not to fall and break your coccyx! If you’re morbidly obese or over 90 years old, hire some kid to shovel your driveway for you! Stay home if you can, but if you positively, absolutely have to make a Dunkin' Donuts run, give yourself plenty of time to get there!
Okay, now stay tuned for live reports from hapless reporters trying to make snowballs at assorted intersections. And remember, whatever you do, don't rely on your own senses to tell you what's going on outside. Or settle for concise online weather forecasts that tell you everything you need to know in less than 60 seconds. I mean, that would be very bad for our bottom line here at Eyewitness Action Live News Now. And we wouldn’t want our budget for sweaters to fall into the red.
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